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Chris NeJame edited this page Feb 20, 2023 · 128 revisions

Accountability can be a terrifying word for some, but relationships don't last long without it. None of us wants to hurt another, but handling when that happens can be incredibly uncomfortable.

This guide is meant to serve as a recipe for both parties so they can know how to handle things to get the best outcome, even if both parties haven't read it.

Everything here is research-backed, pulling from sources like the Gottman Institute, and sources are provided throughout.

What's inside may seem wrong or even excessive to some. Parts may even feel uncomfortable just to read. But this is what healthy conflict looks like, and the constraints are what destructive, often hurtful conflict looks like.

Keep in mind while reading, that the word "relationship" is used throughout the guide to refer to relationships of any type (i.e., platonic, romantic, familial, professional, et al.), and not just romantic relationships. The same rules apply in all types of relationships.

How to read the guide

To avoid confusion, there's two key roles to note:

  • Speaker: Person who was hurt
  • Listener: Person who hurt the Speaker

Keep these in mind as you explore.

The guide can either be read straight through, or by hopping around. The navigation dropdowns provide a bird's eye view that you can use to dive into areas of interest.

The Apologies page is a step-by-step guide on how to give a sincere apology, or at the very least, how to take accountability. This will tell the Listener how to have the best shot at forgiveness from the Speaker. But it also exists to help the Speaker identify what might be missing from an apology that feels insincere or lacking.

The Constraints page is mostly a collection of things to not do. These are common, problematic behaviors that violate the boundaries most people have and are likely to make things worse and hurt the other person more. It also serves to help someone understand what might be hurting them by putting it into words.

It's not a bad idea to read through the guide a few times before trying to deal with the conflict. There's a navigation menu on the side (or bottom if on mobile) to help you get around.

There is also a section with extra tips that can be used throughout the entire process that may come in handy during the conflict to help both people feel safe, react more constructively to their emotions, and get their individual needs met.

When actually going through the process, go slowly and carefully. Reference back to this guide regularly to make sure things are going well, and to identify when to correct course.

A special note for "Listeners"

Apologizing is not always necessary to resolve conflict in a healthy way. What is necessary, however, is taking accountability without the behaviors mentioned on the Constraints page. Doing so is described on the Apologies page.

Taking accountability is not admitting fault, nor does it mean agreeing with the Speaker's narrative. It simply means taking ownership of the fact that you had a choice in how you behaved and taking ownership of the impact your choice of behavior had on the other person.

Denying this is to deny the Speaker's reality, and even if you don't apologize, acknowledging the Speaker's reality in your own words goes a very long way to helping them feel heard.

You can empathize with the Speaker, take accountability and still not apologize without feeling guilty if you didn't violate your own values. In some cases, a positive outcome can still be possible for everyone in doing so, and others tend to respect us more when we do take accountability.

So when should you actually apologize? When you've violated your own values, whether you intended to or not. And keep in mind, if we value our relationships with other, it means we value how our behavior impacts them as well. That's why if you don't apologize it can tell the other person you don't value them or care about how your behavior impacts them.

The urge to think "I didn't do anything wrong," "this is just a misunderstanding", or "but they pissed me off," can be very strong.

We can come up with all sorts of ways to justify our actions (or lack thereof), blame the Speaker, make excuses for ourselves, minimize how bad it was, misrepresent and misremember what happened, ignoring critical information, or deny even being involved1. But in healthy relationships, people don't avoid accountability; they embrace it. They understand the other person was hurt, and that's enough for them because they signed up to be accountable as part of the relationship2.

We often don't want to apologize for harm we didn't intend to cause, because we fear we made a mistake, were careless, or acted selfishly. We usually don't want to admit it, because we'd be ashamed if the Speaker is right3.

We may try to hide from these feelings of shame with anger, avoidance, or defensiveness. But all we're doing is damaging our relationships, hurting others, and preventing ourselves from doing the necessary work in order to grow as people (see moral disengagement).

There may also be fears the Speaker won't take accountability for their part of things. But trying to share the blame or make an apology contingent on the other person apologizing is manipulative and defeats the point. You're apologizing for violating your own values, and what they did is a separate incident, even if it happened in the same conversation.

It can be scary taking that accountability. But this guide contains guidelines for how both people should behave, so you can leverage it to stay as safe as one can while giving an apology. You may even find that you feel better after giving it4.

Get started

Click here to go to the Apologies page to dive right in.

Sources:

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