lost_art_of_listening.md

The Lost Art of Listening

How Learning to Listen Can Improve Relationships

by Michael P. Nichols

Intro

• To listen well, we must forget ourselves and submit to the other person's need for attention.
• We tend to react to what is being said, rather than concentrating on what the other person is trying to express.
• The book consists of 4 parts:
  • Why listening is important
  • Why we don't listen
  • How to control reactivity and be better at listening
  • How listening is different in different relationships

Part 1: The yearning to be understood

Chapter 1: Why listening is so important

• Empathy can be achieved by suspending our preoccupation with ourselves.
• Most of us think of ourselves as better listeners than we are.
• It hurts to not be listened to, especially by people that are special and important to us.
• Empathic listening takes in the words and gets to what's behind them.
• Being listened to nourishes our sense of worth.
• A good listener is a witness, not a judge.
• Reassuring is not the same as listening.
• Being heard confirms our common humanity.

Chapter 2: How listening shapes us and connects us to each other

• Being listened to shapes us; not being listened to twists us.
• A child whose communications aren't appreciated eventually gives up and turns inward with disengagement, distance and avoidance in interactions.
• The feeling of not being understood is one of the most painful human experiences.

Chapter 3: How communication breaks down

• We become more interesting when we assume interest on the part of our listeners.
• To listen well, it is necessary to let go of what's on our mind.
• A speaker's reticence is often due to habits based on expectations formed from past. They don't expect people to listen.
• Listener quiz:

Question	1	2	3	4	5	6	7	8	9	10	11	12	13	14	15	16	17	18	19	20	21	22	23	24	25
Answer	2	3	1	2	4	2	1	3	2	1	2	1	4	3	3	2	1	2	4	2	2	2	1	2	4

• Result: 31pt from odds, 35 from evens for a total of 66pts corresponding to a dead average listener
• I fail to
  • make people feel that I am interested
  • acknowledge what the other person is saying before I make my point
  • concentrate on what others are trying to say rather than their words
  • make an active effort to get the other person to talk more about their thoughts and feelings
• I should stop
  • thinking what I am going to say while others are talking
  • share my experience before asking them to elaborate

Part 2: The real reasons people don't listen

Chapter 4: The heart of listening: The struggle to suspend our own needs

• Genuine listening demands taking on interest in the speaker and suspending the interests of the self, memory, desire and judgement.
• To listen well, we have to read the needs of the speaker and respond to the context.
• Don'ts:
  • that reminds me of the time ...
  • oh, how awful! -> excessive sympathy makes it about you
  • well, if I were you ... -> unwanted advice
  • don't feel that way -> dismissive
  • haven't we talked about this before -> dismissive, get over it attitude
  • guess what?! -> what I have to say is more important
  • be self-conscious about how you are doing as a listener, you need let go
  • be an amateur therapist
  • be too active as a listener -> distracting, makes it about you
  • have you heard about the one about ... -> jokester, feels the need to make light of everything, probably has anxiety

Chapter 5: How hidden assumptions prejudice listening

• Identify the different defensive parts of you and the others when commnication breaks down
• How parents made you feel unlistened to affects your listening.

Chapter 6: How emotionality makes us defensive

• What we can't tolerate in others is often what we can't tolerate on ourselves.
• Reacting emotionally is the number one reason of arguments.
• The ability to listen comes from our resistance to react emotionally.
• Check your reactivity and focus on other person's side, repeat their point and ask for clarification. Respond after that or much later to avoid emotional reactivity.
• Saying "I don't understant" instead of "I understand" is often more useful because it might open the other person up.

Part 3: Getting through to each other

Chapter 7: How to let go of your own needs and listen

• Practice listening with the sole intention of understanding, stop everything else.
• Better listening comes from a sincere effort to pay attention and ends with specific queries to open the other person up.
• Ask questions that invites elaboration.
• Put yourself in the other person's shoes
• Relinquish control, acknowledge the other person's feelings.

Chapter 8: Empathy begins with openness

• Empathy requires receptive openness and a balance between feeling and thinking.
• Learn the other's expectations. To some people loud, overlapping talk is a sign of enthusiasm, to others it is rude and a sign of not listening.

Chapter 9: How to defuse emotional reactivity

• When you get a reactive response, don't get defensive, acknowledge the other person's feelings and try to understand what they are going through.
• Preparing for tense encounters will prevent overreacting.
• When someone is complaining, don't immediately defend or respond; sometimes all they need is being listened to.

Part 4: Listening in context

Chapter 10: Listening between intimate partners

• Couples who learn to listen to each other often find that they don't need to change each other, marriage is about learning to live with the differences.
• It takes two to tango, when you have a complaint, think about what the other half of the pattern could be and your contribution to the pattern.
• When someone is perceived to be nagging, it means they haven't been listened to, not being listened to makes people resentful.
• Those who feel nagged usually don't listen because they don't want to hear blame or requests that don't seem to be open to discussion.
• When complaining:
  • emphasize your feelings, not their shortcomings.
  • describe how the situation is affecting you without being accusatory.
  • give the other person a turn, don't get reactive if they get defensive.
• If you are going to counter to a complaint, make sure to acknowledge the other person's point.
• Don't judge your partner by measuring them against your strengths, measure them against their strengths.